The first couple of months after Noelani was born I experienced the "baby blues". I questioned whether I was suited for this new role in my life. At the time I didn't understand just how much my life was going to change. Like many first time moms I was overwhelmed, sleep deprived, and clueless. After talking to fellow new moms I realized this wasn't so abnormal. It was comforting to know I wasn't alone.
Almost 10 months later, I am once again going through similar emotions. I'm still overwhelmed at times and definitely sleep deprived. I find myself questioning just about every little thing I do, whether I'm caring for my baby correctly or not. My confidence level has dropped, and more often than not I feel as though I don't know what the hell I'm doing. When Noelani smiles at me, I can't help but smile back at her. Yet I feel lost inside, like I'm crumbling. And sometimes I feel a disconnect. I'm still not comfortable with this identity of being "mommy". This is heartbreaking for me.
I know I will keep smiling and hold myself together for the sake of my baby. I want her to grow to be independent and confident in who she is. After all, she is the light of my life and there is nothing that I would not do for her. Somewhere along the line I hope to feel "normal" again. But in the meantime, I will try to not take for granted all the precious moments that are happening before me.
I've been hesitant to share how I feel, for fear of being judged by others. But I am thankful for the opportunity to share here.
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My mom always mentioned that it was difficult to explain to people that once she became a mom, Mary disappeared. After reading your blog, it makes me think that these emotions, which I have felt too, are tied in with the transition of saying goodbye to who we were and hello to a new version, version Mommy. There is still an internal struggle to be who we've always known and who we are are becoming. I am confident as our little ones grow older, it will just happen naturally and one day that struggle will just disappear. We may suddenly feel that release or it may happen so gradually that we never even notice the change has happened.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck with the new you! I'm certain we'll all do just fine. I mean, we all have each other to help us through, right? :-)
I had the baby blues bad after London was born. We had a hard time getting him to nurse and in the first week he gained 1oz! I felt like a complete failure as a mom! I had always imagined myself as the best person to be a mom, it would be easy for me. When London came I loved him instantly and was so sad to not be able to hold him immediately after birth (since I had a c-section). But when he was in my arms I knew that he was the best thing to happen to me, but was I the best for him?
ReplyDeleteI cried all the time the first 2 months of his life and even had a mini breakdown one day when I couldn't get him to stop crying. And you know what? He's almost 10 months and I still sometimes feel like I'm not the best for him, that someone else could do better! I think he deserves better! Don't get me wrong I love my son with all my heart, he is my world and I can't imagine my life without him but there are days where I think "Where's Carrie? How come she isn't a priority anymore?" And then I feel guilty for wanting some alone time, or a day where I get to sleep in (or sleep for that matter) or an hour where I'm not singing a song, playing with a toy or worrying that someone needs to eat or nap. Does that make me selfish? I don't know- but what I do know is that being a mom is a transition and you are not alone in it! We have all been there, it doesn't make you any less loving, caring or deserving of the title mom!