Tuesday, January 26, 2010

When will being mommy feel right?

The first couple of months after Noelani was born I experienced the "baby blues". I questioned whether I was suited for this new role in my life. At the time I didn't understand just how much my life was going to change. Like many first time moms I was overwhelmed, sleep deprived, and clueless. After talking to fellow new moms I realized this wasn't so abnormal. It was comforting to know I wasn't alone.

Almost 10 months later, I am once again going through similar emotions. I'm still overwhelmed at times and definitely sleep deprived. I find myself questioning just about every little thing I do, whether I'm caring for my baby correctly or not. My confidence level has dropped, and more often than not I feel as though I don't know what the hell I'm doing. When Noelani smiles at me, I can't help but smile back at her. Yet I feel lost inside, like I'm crumbling. And sometimes I feel a disconnect. I'm still not comfortable with this identity of being "mommy". This is heartbreaking for me.

I know I will keep smiling and hold myself together for the sake of my baby. I want her to grow to be independent and confident in who she is. After all, she is the light of my life and there is nothing that I would not do for her. Somewhere along the line I hope to feel "normal" again. But in the meantime, I will try to not take for granted all the precious moments that are happening before me.

I've been hesitant to share how I feel, for fear of being judged by others. But I am thankful for the opportunity to share here.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

What did you do all day?

I love when people ask this question…. Because it insinuates that the role of a mom is this mysterious, “cake-walk” , “no-brainer” job that doesn’t require a whole lot of skill- a sort of vacation- a step down from a “real job”. It’s a common perception, I guess, of those who haven’t walked in the shoes of mom, stay-at-home or working mom alike. It’s the vision of a mom, casually waking up at 9:00am- hanging out in pjs and watching Lifetime television all day, a few diaper changes here and there but that’s about it. And the best part- those social gatherings we go to with other moms- you know, the ones where we sit around the couch while our children play so independently in the play room while we sip on tea and eat biscuits together and gossip for hours about the latest news. Only to go home, turn down the beds at 6:00pm and our job is done for the day. It really does sound easy.
Well, now that I’ve had 11 months of experience on the job, I’ll have you know that the skill requirements of a mom (the patience, organization, time management and selflessness), would blow any corporate company guru out of the water. I really think the best place to look for a potential employee who can multi-task, handle stressful meetings, meet deadlines, schmooze upset clients, facilitate team building activities, work all hours of the day and night (without a lunch break) is from a pool of moms- because that is what we do EVERY DAY. And the best part--- we will smile while on the job (whether we are happy are not- because we want everyone else to be happy) and we won’t ask for pay!!!! We will clean the floors because, “what’s a little dirt on the floor”, we’ve seen much worse. And we can handle those painful long hours- that’s nothing compared to 24 plus hours of labor. Lastly, we’ll take only a few hours of sleep before we are back at the job again.
Organization is one of the most important skills I’ve learned in my journey of motherhood. If I’m not organized, I wouldn’t get anything done. Lists go in and out of my purse on a daily basis. I am constantly doing a mental check, “bottle-check, diapers- check, back-up food-check, toys for entertainment-check, umbrella in case it rains-check (even though it never rains). My organizational skills have gone borderline neurotic. At the grocery today, I realized that everything I put on the conveyor belt had to be placed in a certain order. All meats in one section, fruits and veg all together, box food- same area and so on. It was nuts- but it was just my mind in constant “mommy do-or-die” organization mode. As a mom, your mind does not stop-all day. And really, it doesn’t stop at night either.
So anyway, to answer your question, what did I do all day? Well, unlike you, I don’t have time to sit down and talk about it- I’m still working and have a very important job to get back to. Catch me in 18 years and I’ll share with you the role of a mother.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Great Book about Development

A friend of mine in my moms group recommended this great book about the emotional development of your child. I purchased it this week and just received it. I opened it and cannot put it down. It is written by a pediatrician and, after reading as few as 10 pages, I feel less concerned about Brett and her 'personality.' I maybe shouldn't make a recommendation before reading the entire book, but it is a book that you may pick up and put down during different ages and stages of your babies life. Check it out!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Seeing the World Through the Eyes of a Child

When I look at my 9 month old son, I am amazed by the beauty of his view of the world. He smiles at everyone he meets, laughs when he sees a light turn on and squeals for joy the second I open the front door to take him outside. He wakes up every morning with a huge smile on his face, all ready to start his day. He gets so excited whenever I read him his favorite book, and I love to watch him stare in awe at all the bright colors and pictures on each page. He loves to give high fives, hugs and kisses. He is absolutely fascinated by the world around him. Owen is so full of life, always smiling at everything and everyone he sees. In Owen's eyes, he is surrounded by this perfect world where everyone is equal. His view of life is such an inspiration to me, and a daily reminder of what life is really all about.

I love to look at the world through Owen's eyes...there is so much happiness, peace, equality, love, joy and laughter. I stay at home with him full time, so most of our days are spent playing, laughing, reading, singing, and taking walks around the neighborhood. Then, when I take Owen out in public, the harsh reality of the not-so-perfect world around us sets in. Being only 9 months old, it is unfortunate that he is already surrounded by a world of judgment, comparisons and criticism. I must say that the biggest shock of motherhood to me has been learning just how judgmental people can be of a little baby, and I've struggled with trying to not let these judgments bother me.

Owen happens to be tall for his age, which didn't come as a surprise since my husband and I are both tall, so naturally Owen will be tall as well. Because of his height, from the time he was just three months old, I have endured many hurtful, unwanted comments about Owen on a regular basis from both acquaintances and strangers alike. As a mother, there is nothing more heartbreaking than to have to listen to people criticize my baby. Whenever anyone tells me that Owen is too big for his age...he is huge...he is the biggest baby in the world...he is a giant...he is so big he will grow up to be a monster...I need to stop feeding him, or asks me "When he is going to stop growing," or "What on earth are you feeding him," I struggle to fight back the tears. Then I always end up breaking down and crying to my husband later on, once I am back at home.

Owen is the light of my life, and I am so incredibly blessed to have a perfectly healthy, happy baby who is thriving...there is no greater blessing than that. I've tried for many months to not let what other people say about Owen bother me, but the truth is, my heart continues to break every single time. The more he grows, the more remarks I receive on how he is just "too big," so there are some days when I just never ever want to leave the house again, in order to avoid it all. I'm sure the people making these comments don't mean any harm, but it upsets me a great deal, nonetheless. I've tried to grow a thicker skin and brush these comments aside, but that's easier said than done. When the critical comments are sometimes being thrown from left and right, it's extremely difficult to not be affected by it. The hardest part is seeing Owen with a huge smile on his face as a person is making one of these hurtful remarks. It's just so sad for me to see that Owen is already surrounded by so much judgment and criticism, yet in his eyes, everyone is equal.

If only everyone could take the time to put the judgment aside, stop comparing how we and our children measure up to one another and view the world the way our children do...what a perfect world it would be if we could all see the world through the eyes of a child.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Pregnancy War Wounds

After my daughter was born, I thought I got away with minor pregnancy “war wounds”. Besides a few extra lbs, a separation of my stomach muscles, a c-section scar and a few dark spots on my face, I didn’t have a whole lot to complain about. Three months after she was born, I went to get my hair done and my stylist asked me if I lost any hair yet? “What?” I asked confused. “I’ve never heard of anyone losing their hair”. She went on to tell me that, about 3-4 months after childbirth, many women loose hair, and some loose a noticeable amount. “Ha”, I thought, “one more war wound I escaped”. And besides, even if I did lose some hair, I thought I’d hardly notice it since I have so much to begin with.
2 weeks later, it happened. I literally woke up one morning to find my hair had fallen out—and A LOT of it! I had the receding hair-line of a 55-year-old man! My hair-line was gone! It was so bad that I couldn’t wear my hair up without having someone in my family, so eloquently ask, “What happened to your hair??”
But it turns out, losing my hair wasn’t the worst part- it’s now the re-growth that has become my worst enemy. The re-growth of my hairline now makes me look as if I have stuck my finger in a socket. And there are several hairs that won’t do anything but sprout out like two bull horns on the sides of my head! I’ve tried hairspray, gel, everything- but these bull horns aren't going away!
Who would have thought that after 1o months post-childbirth, I’d still be battling pregnancy war wounds? Well, now that I think about it, I still have 5 extra lbs, I still have that darn dark pregnancy line down my stomach, I still have separated stomach muscles and I still have dark spots on my face… you know what, OH WELL! -I call it the initiation into motherhood.. you aren’t admitted without a few war wounds.

The one thing in common

I had a hair appointment today. I had not gotten much sleep so someone else playing with my hair and the peacefulness was making me quite sleepy. So needless to say, I did not have much to say! Then she asked me if I was tired, and I said yes my daughter had gotten up at 5:45 and would not go back to sleep! She laughed and asked me how old my daughter was and then told me all about her daughter. We talked for the next hour as she did my hair about our daughters. It made the time go by so much faster than reading a magazine about the Gosselin's or Angelina Jolie! As I walked out, she told me hopefully you will get more sleep tonight! I laughed and smiled and said, "I hope!" When I was sitting in my car it made me realize how many times there has been silence some where and then Madie will smile or greet the room with her "Hi!" and conversation starts. Whether it is about her or someone else's child or grandchild. They always break the ice for you. Yesterday, at Kohl's Madie had the three people in front of us smiling because she was smiling and babbling to them. It has just made me think most women and even most men at one point in there lives have children. it's one thing everyone or most everyone can relate to! Everyone loves to share stories of their own children as we do of ours! So I guess I should offer my daughter a thank you and tell her thanks for making standing in line where ever I drag you to a little more bearable and a little more fun!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

House Changes

Have you noticed yet how much your house has changed now that you have a baby? I don't mean the feeling in the house (though that has really changed, too), I mean the way your house looks.

Before we decorated for Christmas my husband and I went through all of the toys around the house and put everything that was no longer age-appropriate into garage storage. This really made me look around and see the change our house has gone through over the last year.

When you first move in to your home with your husband (or significant other) you are so excited to make it your own space. You spend time picking out the colors, the decor, the furniture. Then, you get pregnant and slowly things change. We live in a two bedroom condo so for us the second bedroom turned from an office to a nursery. Then, you have a baby shower and you start purchasing things; so you have a swing in the master bedroom, a bouncy chair in family room and a baby bath on the spare bathroom counter. Once your baby arrives some of the artwork that you worked so hard to pick out for your home is quickly replaced with pictures of your new favorite person.

Next comes even larger things - you get the exersaucer, the Bumbo chair, the bouncing chair in the doorway and maybe even a walker. These things are large and take up quite a bit of space. Some furniture may even be moved out to make space for these items. They are also helping your little one gain strength in their legs which means, now that they are pulling themselves up, you need to clear off the tables. Those beautiful candle holders, picture frames and magazines get put away.

Once the crawling begins you babyproof. Things are now looking more plain in your home and you have the safety devices around- the bumpers on the edge of the fireplace and coffee tables, electrical socket covers, and cabinet locks. The most obtrusive are the gates. Boy do those change the look of the place!

Now, as my is daughter getting older we have so many large toys around. The things that she can pull herself up on, the basketball game, and things with wheels to help with walking: the house is evolving as the baby is growing.

As I was cleaning up toys tonight after Brett went to bed I just kept smiling because even though the house looks so different than it used to it has the best feeling in it now. Such love and happiness fill the house as our family grows together. Who cares if my trinkets are no longer on the tables- I'd rather have my baby girl and trip on toy!

The Last Year

Madison is about to turn one next month and mike and I have been talking about how kids really do change your life! For example, our Netflix movie which we used to love to watch on the couch after a long day of work on a Friday night, had fallen into Madison's toy box with out realizing it. Madison pulled it out, and I thought to myself wow when did we get that. We had had it since November 30th! Over a month had gone by and we had not watched it. It used to be those things would not last a week in our house. I wonder how long it would have sat there unless Madie had found it! Another one, our living room furniture. We have a small condo so our main living space is the living room. Which is now Madison's playroom. I think every time Madison gets a new big toy another piece of furniture leaves the room to make room for her toys!It used to be mostly our stuff with the swing and the pack and play. She grew out of those and then the toys came and slowly took over our living room! Here's a great one, last night we had a date night. We went and saw a movie and had a nice dinner. Between my mother and law calling and us calling, the night still revolved around Madison! We took a small trip to Vegas last month and decided to bring Madie along . The once 4 hour drive out there took 7 hours so Madison could get out of the car and you know see us for awhile and get some fresh air!

I love my life now and would not change it for a million dollars! I love staying home with her and taking care of her. It is really just amazing how your life in every area really gets changed forever! But do I care when the last time I watched a Netflix movie was or do I care how many toys are in my living room? Nope, not one bit because this has been an awesome year!