First Week Back to Work

On my first day back to work, I cried when I dropped Molly off at school (I couldn't even make it to the car!) and twice throughout the day at work. Even though I had a dry-run of taking Molly to school, it was still one of the hardest days of my life! I think knowing that I would be gone from her for 10 hours straight with no opportunity to cave in and pick her up was heart wrenching! When my husband picked Molly up, the teachers had felt bad seeing me cry in the morning so they had taken pictures of Molly smiling throughout the day to show me that she was happy...warmed my heart that they cared enough to do something so thoughtful!

Day 2 was easier. I cried, just a little, when my mother-in-law came to watch her. Molly tends to put up more a fight when taking her bottles for grandma, but I knew she would be okay. I am proud to say that I made it the day without crying at work!

Day 3 was a little bit easier than the last two...no crying!

Day 4...I reverted back to how I felt on Day 1...no one tells you that you can go back on the emotion scale!!! I didn't cry, but I felt like I was in a funk. To make matters worse, my mother-in-law called me to ask if I could come home during lunch to nurse Molly because Molly had been crying all morning...she thought Molly was sick. Ugh! So I now had to think like a mommy AND a professional. I talked to my manager and cleared me taking the rest of the day off if needed. I went home and assessed the situation...Molly needed her mommy! I actually felt good about staying home and not going back to work for the day. If you knew me prior to having a baby I would have stewed all day about the impression it would have left on people at work that I had suddenly left my first week back.

Day 5 was probably the easiest day back because my husband stayed with Molly all day. They dropped me off and picked me up from work (my car is the only baby friendly car) so I had more time with both my husband & Molly than I had all week! 

The things that helped me survive each day...

1) Seeing Molly happy to see me when I got home from work...she didn't forget me!

2) Surprisingly, the time I had to pump, 3 times a day at work...it gave me time to just sit & think about Molly (ok, and a little Facebook/email time).

3) Having my husband support me throughout the week by giving me a solid 1.5-2 hours before Molly went to bed to soley focus on Molly. He would wash all my pump items and get the house ready for the next day.

4) Finding a moment I shared with Molly each morning to focus on for the rest of the day.

This week was by far one of the hardest weeks of my life, but I need to continue being strong for my daughter. Until I find something else that will provide me more time at home, I need to continue being a professional and give my job 110% when I'm there, but still remember how important work/life balance is now that I have a daughter!

To all those working moms out there....hang in there! 

Going Back to Work

If I'm completely honest with myself, during the first 6-8 weeks of my daughter's life, I couldn't wait to go back to work. I struggled with the "baby blues" during these first weeks, so I wasn't truly myself, but I had so many mixed emotions about being a mom. All I knew was that being at work would be a whole heck of a lot easier than trying to figure out why my daughter was screaming!

Then the smiles started...

She completely stole my heart! 

Then the giggles started...

Being a mom turned into the MOST rewarding experience ever! 

After being blessed with staying home with my daughter for 4.5 life changing months, I am now faced with the challenge of going back to work...

I get anxiety thinking about someone else taking care of my little one..."Will they keep her safe?","Will they care for her like they would their own?"..."Will she forget about me?" or "Will she love someone else more than me?" So many thoughts run through my mind. I even think about how I will no longer be able to keep her safe because she is now officially being introduced to the world. I know that sounds so grandiose, but it's true! This is the only time in her life that she will ever know just me & my husband as her caregivers...the people who will keep her safe & sound. I need to trust my mother's intuition that the people we have chosen to care for her in our absence will do an amazing job and she'll be gaining the experience of making childhood friends.

Another reality sets in..."ok, I'm going back to work, but how will my performance change now that I am a different person!?" Before having my daughter I had my hands in every project at work, now I have to go back as this new person with completely different priorities. How will that affect my work life and will I still be able to continue being proud of my performance at work? Should I even be worried about this!? I guess only time will tell. 

The lesson I'm slowly learning is that my daughter will be perfectly fine even though I won't be with her all day, every day. She'll be with people who love & care about her. I need to let her experience how others can love her just like we (my husband & I) can.

Like my mom says, "your daughter won't go to college wishing you stayed home with her during her first years of life...it's what you do with the time you do have with her."

That's just what I'm going to try to do...make the most of the time I do have with her!